Life inside my brain

8.5 weeks.  I thought about trying to 'sugar coat' it all; by not writing how hard it is; but then I decided I put enough effort into everything else, that I am just here for myself, and I plan to just type, and make sure it *kinda* makes sense to whoever reads it.

I just felt like word vomiting what it's like for my training for IMCHATT.  I am emotional, anti-social to those who don't own a bike, often irritable to those who love me most, and acquainted with 4am way too much.  The best way to describe it is that I am simultaneously dying and living all the time.  I am tired, but successful.  Getting to prove to my body what it's capable of is incredible.  I am getting stronger; mentally and physically. I can finally see my quad muscles! I can swim for days at this point it feels like.  I am making the coolest friends on planet Earth who accept it all.  I cry all the time.  I question my sanity.  I go back and forth of hating my bike to loving her.

I tell myself every hour of every day I am never doing this again. 
I *try* to tell myself every hour of every day how thankful I am to be experiencing this.

I appreciate every single person that has invested any portion of their training and sewing it seamlessly into my own.  For doing what I have written; for swimming next to me; for running faster even when you don't have to; for riding miles and miles.  Whether you have joined me once or twice *too many peeps to name..you know who you are!*, become one of my many tri mom/friends *what up my group text of women that absolutely crack me up!*, or are my unofficial training partner *SHOUT OUT ELLEN YO!*, I would not have made it to 8 weeks with out you.

SO.

Here is what has been irking me this week.  When I feel tired, sad, emotional, overwhelmed, or any not positive emotion and talk about quitting; and someone says, "But you can't quit!"

Let me get this straight for everyone.

Oh.  I can quit.  I can quit any day I choose.

Will I?

Nope.

But.  I CAN.  So there's that.

How to help me through the next 8.5 weeks: (technically 6.5 cuz of TAPER!)

~Tell me I am doing great.
~Let me ponder quitting, but graciously talk me out of it.
~Let me rant for 5 minutes about my kick ass long ride.
~I always enjoy food at this point...
~Tell me about your day-my brain needs to come out of the IM/running fog since that's all I'm engulfed in.
~Ask/share with me about Jesus times.

Which leads to...
I had the realization (with help from my coach) that my life is going to get even more crazy in August.  I assumed it to be the hardest month of training, and it's finally here.  And.  I am in desperate need of some Jesus.  One of my friends, JJ, was blogging and in one portion she talked about how we truly just need Jesus to satisfy us.  That social media likes, food, success, or finishing the training schedule to the T will not do what we want.  Seeing I am exhausted basically all the time, my satisfaction has got to originate elsewhere; Christ.
Jesus time is a lot like a training plan.  Both are things that you love, but can easily get caught up into doing routinely, and forget the love behind it all.
So here's to working on having my satisfaction in Him alone these next 2 months, as I am continually being satisfied via training, and to re-falling in love with training via Christ.

Sorry there are no pictures.

Til next time.

And then sometimes it clicks. And all is well with the world.

11 weeks.

Let me say that again. 

76 days until I become IronMeg.

I could blog about 57890345876 things.  I could spend paragraphs telling you how tired I am.  I could spend hours telling you how much I LOVE seeing my swimming get better.  I could tell you some numbers rant that doesn't matter.  The list goes on of what I 'could' say. 

This post is sponsored by the fact my room looks like this: running clothes and shoes galore.
No.  Shame.

But today I am here to blog my heart on this community I have jumped head first into.
You see.  A few weeks ago I kept getting asked 'why?' Why am I doing this dang thing.  And I SERIOUSLY had no answer.  No great reason of why I signed up.

Lemme tell you how this went down.  I got the email the week of Augusta last year that said 'priority registration for IMCHATT 2015'.  I saw it and said to myself, 'Self.  You're gonna sign up ok? ok.'  So.  I talk it through with dad on the way to the race.  $700 of Meg money later.  I was in for an experience I won't ever forget.

Mel sent me this when I was down to 80 days--this is me moments after signing up.  If I only knew..

SO.  $700 simply isn't enough motivation for me to finish a race.  To endure the high volume training.  To be at mile 96 and still have 20 more miles left before a marathon. To wake up to swim after a long ride. SO.  What is still inspiring me?  I knew there was SOMETHING but I couldn't connect the dots.  I knew it would come together.  And.  Today.  Today on my long ride it did.

Emma (work bestie turned to one of my real life best friends), Robin, Karen, and myself.  Robin and Karen are keeping me alive at work because they are part of the few that have done this dang thing!

You see.  There's not one person I'm doing this for.  The cliché saying 'it takes a village to raise a child' is the philosophy I live daily.  Every weekend; most days there is someone with me.  Someone giving of their time to coordinate with my tightly woven schedule to train with me.  Yes I am aware my friends always need training and love it blah blah.  But.  I need to adequately express my thankfulness for the community around me.  For every person who comes into contact with me.

You are a part of my finish line.  No cheesiness.  No lame squish-y moments.  Seriously.  That is what I think about on my long rides.  My long runs.  The countless amounts of people who are for me.  Who are going to be running that marathon with me in spirit.  Who are pulling me along that bike course telling me how great I look even if I am going 5 mph up these hills I keep hearing about (GAH!!!). From my friends who will ride 80 miles alongside me, to my work friends who have to put up with my weekly; daily; hourly rants over how tired/hungry/sad/happy I am every second.  You are why I am racing.  You are what is making this process not treacherous, but one that I will look back on and see how blessed  I really am.

I told myself I wasn't going to do a mush-y love post until I finished.  But my 'clicking' over why I am doing this happened today and I needed to share.  I need to express my thankfulness for this community.  These few pictures are just a  TASTE of the amount of people on my side ready to cheer me on that day and already doing so the days/weeks/months leading up to it. That's a LOT of people for one girl, and this one girl can't even begin to say how much I LOVE my community.

I feel like so many people deserve a 'you especially', but one particular girl deserves a novel.  But.  Instead a silly post will have to do. My roomie.  My bestie.  If I had to choose one person, it would be you (well..you and my padre' hehe).  Despite how much I get to inspire you, you inspire me and then some.  Thanks for letting the house not look like my room.  I wouldn't have made it this far in life without you.  From elementary school to now; we have always been a duo, and March 5th, when your parents hand you off; I feel like I get to be a part of the 'handing off' to Andrew, and I wouldn't want anyone else to 'take' you.  So.  Sappy moment to say I love my bestie.  The end.

cuz we cute and love random trips around town when we can.

 

the twinges of becoming IronMeg. Unofficially sponsored by Fage yogurt.

I can hardly believe I am getting to finally write this blog.

I have read my share of blogs, articles, summaries, and all the in-between's of IM training EVERYTHING.
And. I must say.  Even after reading.  Nothing will prepare you for the amount of time (and $$) you invest into the journey.

I have started to feel certain moments in training that are twinges that will deem me an IM soon enough, and I want to share a few of them.

~ skipping a swim in the morning to sleep, getting off work early, and hitting the pool to complete it.  Only to wake up the next morning to repeat the process.
~socializing on my trainer; having various friends come keep me company as I sit and pedal my life away, and the rare occasion it doesn't happen, acknowledging it.
~cutting a swim short because I needed yogurt; a tub of Fage yogurt with Cheerios and some chocolate protein power + a big cup of coffee =my official post IM food.
~feeling like I can't take another pedal because of a panic attack, and having to fully rely on friends to encourage me.  Sometimes I can't be the encouraging one, and need to be hugged.
~getting to cheer for more races than participate in this season (thank you injury) has been one of the biggest blessings.  I have learned a lot and gained appreciation for every person that will be on the sidelines of my IM.
~starting to slowly view training as not a 'calorie deficit', but as something that I do to improve as an athlete.  This is probably my favorite one because it's my most intense struggle because of 'old meg'.

My official cheerleader and I cheering for those two rocking their 70.3.

Though I work at Fleet Feet, and fully support my store, Stinky Feet's #enjoythejourney is one that I am in love with and try to embody every day.  I spend 15-20 hours a week training for this race; it's my second job.  So with that.  I feel the need to publicly state that socializing will only be happening on a run if you run, or while I ride my life away on a trainer. See you September 28th (the day after)..bring a DQ blizzard and pizza!!

end of my longest trainer ride; 5 hours y'all. WHATUP!

 I thought about 'apologizing' for my lack of existing, but in fact I am not sorry because it's a journey I am embarking on and I feel no regret for it.  I can't wait to toe the line of a race that will take me to my limits; I might throw up.  I don't have one 'main' training partner; instead I have about a zillion buddies ready to swim, bike, and run countless miles with me. I could not be more thankful for these guys, and every single triathlete ready to tackle a workout deemed by my terribly wonderful coach Francois.  His sets are KILLER, and his weeks are tough, but getting to see my numbers improve make it worth it.

'meg face selfie'.  Yes.

What a crew to cheer on, and get to train with.

So.  All in all training is going GREAT.  I could tell you about how my long rides are rockin', my swims are slow but steady, and my runs are progressing, but at the heart of it all, that doesn't really matter.  What matters is to focus on the journey, and not just the finish line.  And I am here to enjoy every moment of having no life but train, work, eat, sleep, and repeat, but only with some of the coolest people in town! 

Timeline of racing

Let's back up.

September 27, 2014.  I sign up for IMCHATT on September 27, 2015.  

September 28th, 2014 I complete my first triathlon season by doing Augusta 70.3- a 1/2 IM.

December 4th-I qualify for USAT nationals.  I drop my commitment (still signed up tho) for IMCHATT and decide to speed train and hope to get to worlds.

February 5, 2015  I complete 50 miles; little did I know altering up my speedy plans.  

NO REGRETS but it is what it is.

April 22, 2015.  I successfully run 2 miles, but NO MORE.  Yet.  

The reality speed won't be happening all season sets in.  Problem? I want to race.

July 25, 2015 my tri big Lez and I will relay Heart O' Dixie together.  I will swim and bike and she will run for me.  How sweet :) 

What does that lead me to? Slow distance......
IRON MAN???

So.  I committed back.

May 10th is 20 weeks away from that night.

September 27, 2015 I hope to wear that freaking medal.  Knowing 5 months before I couldn't run a 5K without hurting.

And I just thought an IM would be scary enough to embark on.

But. Guess it's time to do something that scares the ever-living breath out of my body; I question if I even have the ability to do this, if I have the time, if I want it as bad as I think.  The questions are endless, but I know one thing.  The time leading up to the race will pass one day or another, and I plan to spend it preparing for it.

This week of 'training' if there's one thing I continue to learn is how weak I really have gotten, and it has hit me that I desire to change that.  But.  I think it starts my IM journey off very humbled that this really is pretty insane.

So.  I will do stuff until graduation (dang you finals!) and then, the start line will be in my alarm every morning. The plan will be in my inbox thanks to F.  The miles will be done one way or another. And 140.6 will be the goal.

Little Debbie sponsors IMCHATT.  But.  Looks like she forgot to train this year..

The saga of a 23 year old feeling 100 years old.

Well.  Here we are.  Mid-April.
In February I envisioned my April to look vastly different.  I would love to tell you I am so thankful how it turned out; the cliche' 'even though it isn't what I planned, I am learning something'.

For the next person to cross my path and even mention 50 miles in a negative connotation.  I don't apologize for the look you will get.  Geez that was such a great weekend.  Regret is a monster I don't want to deal with, and is one that I am not combating.  It's useless.

But.  For all who want to tell me to 'find myself more' in this time of not running....

Wrong.

Maybe for you.  Maybe for your life story.

But mine goes a little different.  I tried.  I tried to make this a blog about 'what I am learning', but it all ends in shambles, so I have nothing.

I am empty-handed, and I just jump into the fact that is EXACTLY how I am supposed to be at this point.
It is what it is.

Triathlons were a way for me to 'work-out'; to stay in shape.  And the very thing that was good, I caused to be bad.

Makes me think of what we talked about in church Sunday; Adam and Eve.  God had great intentions for them, but because of screwy human nature, they fell.

We fall.  Hard.

I have tried and tried to get better while still swimming and biking, but alas that isn't working so now on to step two; complete rest. Bring it April.

So.  Here I sit.  Trying my very hardest to be the best cheerleader I can be for all my friends, being the best 'coach' at FF, all the while inwardly stirring.
So.  My time will come; for now it's your time friends.
Bring.  On.  The.  Season.

And then there were 50...miles, meals, messes, various 'megs', and minus running.

Well, the fact I am sitting here typing this blog is pretty amazing to me.
I have so many thoughts, emotions, feelings, laughs, tears, and all the in-betweens pertaining to what occurred.
Yes. 50 miles was conquered; more than that.
100 miles was taken captive by Hal, Matt, and Helen.
I'm not sure where to start, so I'll start at the beginning.
*cue 9 hour drive*

Saturday we get to race site, see them off at 7 am, we set up 'base' camp, and drive all around finding them within the first 50 miles.  Re-fueling them, feeding, clothing,  tying shoes, and all the random in-betweens you can fathom.
Let's take a moment to explain.  Each one of them had a 'pacer', and it is your job to help/encourage/talk to/drag when needed, to get them to the finish.  I was Hal's pacer for the last of his 50 miles, thus in process getting my own 50 miler....FO' FREE YO! *cue poor college kid dance*
The first 20 miles seems like a blur.  Run..walk..drink..run..walk..drink..eat..repeat. (the fact I even say FIRST 20 makes me want to throw up!!)
After leaving an aid station Hal tells me (his mile like 70) that his hip hurts pretty bad, and needs some meds and some help at base.
So. We get there. Long story short this dang PT was not encouraging to Hal, so we just walked the 3 mile loop and realized we could just...keep walking 25 more miles and make the time cut-off.
*cue where we walk 25 more miles and have one of the most insane night of our lives*
So. We walk. I have debated on how to explain to the common man just how difficult and crazy it is to say we walked the last 30. But. In short here we go.
You just. Mentally say.
Walk.
No matter what.
So. We did. If anyone has questions about Hal's life hit me up ;). When you spend 16 1/2 hours together it happens. We have a connection no one else can take. His first 100. My first 50. Sheesh.
Miles 35-42 were my personal deep dark place. I hear of it happening to ultra runners and I expereinced it. You are convinced the end isn't coming. All the while attempting (with a few fails) to keep Hal talking, and not hating it too too much. However he was so out of it I knew I could jump in and out and not miss much (hehe).
I don't mean to sound like a diva, however. I seriously cried the entire 7 miles (sorry Hal I just couldn't tell you!!) . Silent tears fell to the sand while pain was shooting through my hips. It happens I guess when you do like 2 marathons.  At this point I knew I wasn't leaving this race untouched by the injury monster.  I say that to make known that I am not untouchable.  I get hurt; I struggle.
But. We saw the sun set together, saw the stars, good ole faithful 'Mr. Moon', and when we started to see the sun rise we knew we were going to see that glorious white banner that said finish.
The sun took me out of darkness and into the glorious light of day.

Some favorites/monumental moments:
1) At one point in the walk Hal decides to 'run'. After a few minutes. Looks over. I'm still walking. And DYING laughing. We dubbed it the iron horse shuffle and the old man shuffle.
2) We are in the last 4 miles and I see Hal's hands have morphed into Hulk hands. So I laugh and tell him to look and we spend a while laughing on that.  We still laugh about that one.
3) Around 4am we run into Matt and his pacer Karen. And. This was in my darkness. And Karen's smile was enough to help me be positive. Thanks girlie! From pacing you for 20 miles to this trip. I love running with you.
4) The last 3 miles we saw a shadow and determined it was someone checking our name off the list. Then I decided it was a power ranger. Oops.

The final 2 miles we simply talked about 'what did you learn?'
My first response: never question speed walkers again!
HAH!
So. We see the finish and Hal runs in so I run with him. It was worth it.
For Hal. For me. For our lives. For in years when I say. HECK YES I RAN A 50 MILER SPONTANEOUSLY WITH A BUD WHO DID 100.
I still can't believe ALL 3 of them finished. All us crew just kept sayin '3 FOR 3 FROM MISSISSIPPI!'
I know I was there for Hal however I need to shout-out to my text encouraging group back home. I had a small group I would tell I'm alive and text short phrases to of our status. Thanks guys.


So. We get back. I get back on the paleo bus for a week. Get off for a day. Get on for a few days.
So. There's a sad twist.
I can't run. (Next paragraph explains) What do I do instead of run?
I go back to old Meg habits like I used to do.
Eat.  Let's be honest.  It's my main life struggle.
I feel incredibly vulnerable and open even claiming it. This is a double fail. I'm taking in lots of sugar, crap, and everything in-between. Like 'usual', however; no running.  Fail.
Graduation is May 9th and I am now determined to be back to my 'pre ultra' Meg clothes.
So. With that. Let's back up.

No running???
I for sure strained my left hip flexor-if it's anything else is major pending.  I'm ready to know.
Why? It happens with ultras. No regrets for ONE MOMENT.
I attempted to run 3 weeks after the race. My goal was 20 minutes. I made it 14 minutes.
I know. Crazy.
So. Here I am.  All of me.
Figuring out what it looks like to be 'new meg' while seeing 'old meg' try to creep in every day.

just keep running, just keep running...

Well.  I realized I didn't ever blog about my last race and I am about to embark on another.  So.  Time to back up a few miles (pun intended....)

I ran rock n roll NOLA with a plethora of buds.  The main one that started it all would be my casers.  We had decided a while ago that I would run with her to get her NEW 1/2 PR OF SUB 2!! So.  Plan. Done.  Then I realized I was going to semi-spontaneously RUN A 50 MILE RACE FEBRUARY 7/8 (more on that later) so I needed to make NOLA a spontaneous 30 miler.  So.  Here's what happened this day.......

We 3 repped FF happily and off we go to start our race.  Wished Peter well, and shortly after continued...

So Case and I lost each other at a water stop. DANG.  So...we are both aimlessly running in the thousands of people close but not able to find each other when all of a sudden I ran into my running family!!  We ran a LONG while together and it was SO WONDERFUL to see their faces and chat races with them and wish them well for their upcoming first FULL marathon! :) 

So.  My buddy from work, Emma, was updating me on Peter and helping me find Casey.  Found!

Get Casey across sub 2.  Check.

Go back a few steps and ran across with those two wonderful runners.  Check.

Go back a little bit more to find Erica, my kindred spirit of life, and enjoy her company and see her get her first 1/2 PR! WHAT UP PR'S ALL AROUND!

So.  I leave her, go back .70 or so and jump on the full course.  By this time I am on mile 17, and the course is on 13, so I am right on track to get to 30.  SCORE.  The miles are flying, and I find a friend around my mile 22, and ran with him my 'last 4' before I stopped for a break to get a NEW SPONTANEOUS MARATHON PR!! (3:47!! :D)

So.  Check.  About 3.5 miles or so from the finish and I am walking because everything in me wants to stop.  Tears are falling left and right, shuffling of my feet (that mile took about 23 minutes! HAH), and texting my friends asking for someone to come get me (marathon brain at its' finest) because my feet are just aching like nothing I have felt before. So after feeling sorry for myself, I sit down on the curb, take off my *new......* shoes, tie them to my race belt, and run the last 5k shoeless. 

So.  Tip.  The statement is true.  New shoes.  Bad idea.  Oh well.  Live and learn.   My blister the size of my pinky told me so. 

SO.  Long run number....I don't remember any more done.  

Now.  ONTO what's coming this weekend.  

My tri bud, Hal, and my new found friends Matt and Helen are running the Iron Horse 100 miler.  So.    After running 31 that one time with them they joked seriously that I should come and pace Hal.  After a few serious jokes and thoughts I committed.  So.  I'm not driving to FL to run 25 miles.  Go big or go home dude..gimme that 50 miler!  So.  They start 7am Saturday.  I'll start with Hal around 5ish PM, and we will finish who knows when...ETA is 7am Sunday morning.  Feel free to pray for our safely and finishing abilities.  #gimmethatultra